Friday, April 04, 2014

To my children

Landon,
    I cant believe how lucky I was to get such an awesome little boy as my first child. I remember when I found out that I was having a boy I was sooo excited. I had always wanted a boy first, I want to have a little man to help me when daddy was gone and a sweet boy to hold when things got rough. Daddy was gone most of the time I was pregnant with you and I talked to you so much when you were in my stomach. You loved listening to music that had awesome guitar solos in them like Sweet Home Alabama and you would kick and roll so much every time I turned those songs on.
   When you were born we were inseperable. We spent so much time together playing and singing and running around together. I had so much fun when it was just me and you. And now here you are almost 8 and preparing to be baptised. I can't believe how big you are getting. I could not have asked for a better son. You are so sweet and caring. You give amazing hugs and cuddles. You still kiss me in front of your friends and hold my hand. When I visit you in your class you run over to me and hug me and kiss me and are so proud to have me as your mom. It makes my heart soar to see the happiness in your eyes when I spend time with just you. I know sometimes you get overwhelmed being the oldest child and that you feel a lot of weight and pressure that comes with that job but you do such an amazing job of helping to take care of and play with your little brothers and sister.
   You are so smart and I love how much you love to learn. I love to watch you working on extra work book pages at home and seeing you find so much joy in learning. When I was little I wanted to work with Sea animals and it brings me so much happiness you see you get excited about the same things. You love Sea animals and talk about them all the time. I love to hear you find so much excitment it such special things. When you watch the Disney channel you talk about wanting to act on there one day and I remember wanting the same thing when I was your age. I see so much of me in you. You have a tender heart and cry easily. You are stubborn and strong willed, just like me. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and are always worried about other people. Your innocence and child like spirit is still so fresh from God and you sometimes get teased about these things at school. It breaks my heart to see you hurting but I wouldn't change your innocence for anything. I hope you always hold that in your heart and that your spirit stays so tender and fresh from God.
    I can't wait to see the type of adult you will be. I know that you will be an amazing husband and father, especially if you keep your heart and mind turned toward Heavenly Father. You have so much to offer this world and I know that you are going to help and effect so many peoples lives. You have a great mission here on this earth and I know that you will be able to help people find their way back to Heavenly Father.
   I hope you continue to help other people and to care so deeply about others. I hope that you never forget how happy it makes you to serve other people and how close it brings you to Heavenly Father. I love listening to your sweet prayers and to hear about your faith in God. Sometimes I know that its hard to be the oldest, your still learning about life and I am still learning how to be a mom. Hopeful we can be forgiving of each other and help each other as we navigate our paths in this life. If there is anything I could wish for you, it would be for you to find true happiness through your relationship with your Father in Heaven. I love you so much Landon and I love to look into your eyes and see your love for me. You have changed me into a better person and make me a better mother each and every day. Find peace and happiness in this life, through your service to others and your Faith in your God, my sweet boy, and I promise you that you will never be lead astray. Thank you for being patient with me and for loving me even when (and especially when) I make mistakes. Thank you for holding my hand when you know Ive had a rough day and that you for trying so hard to let me know you love me. I love the sweet pictures you draw me and the wonderful stories you write. I love how excited you get about holidays and how happy you are at the fun little things in life. You find such joy in the simple things and I hope you never lose that. Keep on loving life and finding the good in everyone and everything and you will be able to accomplish anything you set your mind too.

                                                                         I love you,
                                                                            Mom

Braddoc,
    Today I got to spend the whole day at the zoo with just you. I was so surprised at the little boy I got to spend so much time with. Sometimes in the noise of our home I know that its hard for you to be yourself, I know that you get overwhelmed by having your little brother and sister follow your every move and them wanting to be just like you. They both love you so much that they want to be like you. I am proud of your example and how much you love them. When I found out that I was having another little boy I was so excited. I knew that you and your big brother would be the best of friends and I have found great joy in watching the two of you grow together. When you were a baby you were so quiet and sweet. I would thank Heavenly Father for blessing me with such a sweet and calm baby. You hardly ever cried. You were about 10 months old when anyone other then me and daddy heard you cry. You are such a blessing to our family. You love for me to cuddle you and rub your back when you get overwhelmed. I love how you much need to be held and cuddled. I love to kiss your head and whisper to you that it will be alright. I love the way your little hand fits into mine and I sometimes wish that you wanted to hold my hand more. I love that you are so rule driven and love to please people by listening and helping them.
    I know that having Aspergers can be really hard and sometimes I wish that I knew how to help you better. Today at the zoo you navigated our way around the zoo by reading and following the map. You told me all about the animals and about how bear babies are called Cubs, you told me about lemurs and polar bears and lizards. One time the Gorilla came face to face with you, where the only thing between the two of you was glass and you got so excited. To see the pure look of joy on your face and how happy and giddy it made you to see the animal so close, melted my heart. It was truly one of the most amazing moments I have had as your mom. I love your Aspergers and I love who it makes you. I love that it gives you such a huge heart and a logical mind. I love that it makes things in this world seem so simple for you, that loving people comes easy to you, and that you care so much about everything. I know that your anxiety makes things a lot harder for you then it is for most people and Its so hard to watch you hurt, but its also beautiful to see you push through and try so hard to grow. I wish I could take away your fear and your pain but I know that it will only make you such a stronger man one day.
       You make me lunches all the time and you are always worried about my well being, sometimes I wonder how someone so little can feel so much. I love singing you bedtime songs and listening to your bed time jokes. I love listening to your stories and learning about how things work in your mind. You are such a special little boy who has so much to offer this world. I can not even begin to tell you how much you mean to me and to this family. You changed me and continue to change me every day. I know that I mess up a lot and that I hurt you when I dont understand you, but Im trying, and we are learning together. I am so proud of how hard you work to convey to me and other people how you are feeling. You have a bright future ahead and our family will be even better because you are apart of it. Never stop caring. Never stop trying and never forget who you are. Never forget that the Aspergers isn't a bad thing, that its a pretty remarkable thing that makes you so incredibly special and amazing. Not many people are as blessed as you. With great trials come such great blessings and you defintely have a hard trial to live with my sweet little B, but I know you can concure this life and come out so strong and faithful. Keep fighting for who you are and never forget that you are a son of God and as his son you are heir to all of his blessings. I love you so much and couldn't ask for a better little boy.
I love you,                                        
Mom                                         

Tayton,
    You are the runt of the litter. You were my tiniest baby and you never seemed to grow. You started out in this life with so many health problems and I was always so worried that I was going to lose you. You are still so tiny and so fragile and so precious. You are so funny and so animated. I love listening to you tell me stories and I love to see your face light up when I tell you I love you. You call me your sweet mommy and tell me how much you love me all the time. When you tell me you love me, you make sure you look straight into my eyes and I can see and feel the love radiating from you.
     You are the youngest boy behind 2 big brothers and I know that sometimes you feel like you get lost in the shuffle. I know that you are still so little and still trying to find your place in our family. You want to be big like your brothers and tell me every day that when you slept last night you grew a little bit, but then you want me to hold you and carry you like a baby. I love to kiss your soft lips, tiny nose and cheeks and I do it often. You tell me all the time that I already kissed you and then tell me to kiss you again. You are scared of snakes and puppies and when I tuck you in at night you have to tell me about your fears and I try to ease them for you by telling you I will protect you. You ask me all the time if I joking with you and when you want something you get Aowyn on your side and tell me its 2 against 1. I often wonder where you get these silly things from. Some days you drive me crazy with your silly shinanigans and how much you like to cause mayhem, but every night when I tuck you into bed, or anytime you crawl into my lap and ask me to cuddle you or read you a book, I forget about your craziness and just see my sweet precious tiny little boy. Your little boy toddler years are almost over, and they passed too quickly. Im excited for you to start school and to begin to excersize your independence, but I am going to miss you like crazy at the same time. Who is going to tease me and try to scare me while your at school? Who is going to dry my tears and try to fix me when Im sad or sick? You bring a smile to my face all the time and make me laugh like I never knew I could. I sometimes want to squeeze you and kiss you so much so that you can feel how strong my love is for you. You have such a deep love for Jesus and tell me all the time that he made everything around us. You tell me all the time how beautiful I am and how beautiful things I do are. You are perfect for cheering me up and making me feel better about myself. You tell me all the time that I am the best mom ever and you really mean it. When you are sorry for something you come to me and sit in my lap and rub my cheeks as you tell me you are sorry, and I know that you really are. You tell me when I get mad at you for messing up again and again that you are trying and it breaks my heart that I ever got frustrated with you in the first place.
    When I tuck you into bed at night you rub my face and tell me sweet dreams. You tell me you love me so much and in that moment I can't imagine anything better. You are a crazy one and I wouldnt have it any other way. I am excited to see what you are going to become as you get older. Your personality is so huge that you can be so many things. I want you to know that even though you are the littlest boy that you are in no way the last in my eyes. You mean so much to me and I feel like sometimes I don't show it to you as much as I could. I want to read to you more and play games with you more. I LOVE board games and so do you, I love to play them with you and see the wheels turning in your mind as you learn new things. You get into so many things but I know its just your busy, curious little mind at work. I hear you talking to yourselves and singing and playing with toys for hours at a time and it makes my heart want to burst with love for you. You are perfect, my beautiful little Tator Tot. I wouldn't change a thing about you. Never lose that fire and passion for life. Never lose that sweet, innocent love that you have for life, knowledge and the world around you. When we went to visit Uncle Keyn you wanted to give him so many hugs. You remind me of me when I was little, I wanted to fix anyone who was sick or hurt and the only way I knew how to do that was with love, and through hugs and kisses. It truly is such a beautiful and powerful thing to see that love in you. You are a nurturer at heart and I hope that your "baby hulk" rage will be used for good as you grow older, that you will put that passion and fire and drive into helping other people and in making a difference in this world. Our family would not be the same with out you in it. You are such a huge assesst to our crazy group. I love you Taytay with all of my heart.
                                                                                                         Love,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Aowyn,

     My only daughter, Oh how much I love you. I never knew how much I needed you till I had you. Sometimes I look at you and can't believe you are really mine. You are perfect in every way possible. I was so scared of having a girl because I don't have the best female relationships in my family. I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to be a mom to a little girl. But then you came a long and proved me wrong. You are everything I could have imagined and more. You have changed me in ways that I could never explain. You hold my face in your hands and peer into my eyes and softly say, "Mama!!" and I know in that one word that you love me more then life itself. You softly kiss my lips and cheeks and lay your head on my chest and I know that you feel safe. I pray that we never lose the bond that we have. I hope that you always know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I see what an amazing women you are going to become. I watch you be a little mommy to your brothers and to me and daddy and I can't wait to watch you become a mother to your future children. You are so kind and nurturing. I feel like you were sent to me to teach me how to be like that again. Sometimes I feel so run ragid and worn out and I snap for no reason and you come and hold me and pat my back and let me know that it will be okay, and that I can be better. Sometimes I wonder how such a huge loving spirit can fit into such a tiny little body.
     After having your three brothers I prayed that you would be the perfect little girly girl and you are. You love to play with babies, care bears, princesses and ponies. You love purses, make up, shoes, dresses, and dancing. You are my little mini me. You never leave my side and always want to be held or to help me with whatever I am doing. When I put on make up you do too. Everything is so wonderful and beautiful to you. You get excited about everything and make the most adorable happy/excited face I have ever seen. You are a little comedian and make us all laugh all the time. You want to sit on my lap for everything, including eating dinner and sometimes I get overwhelmed and want a break and then you cry and I realize that you are only little like this once, that one day you wont want me or need me as much as you do now. I know that one day you are going to go off and start a life of your own and then I just want to hold you every second I can. You are growing up too fast and I just want to hold onto your little babiness for as long as I can. I want to kiss you all the time and I am so glad that you let me. I love to hold your tiny little hands and pinch your adorably tiny little butt. I love to sing songs with you and watch princesse movies with you. It melts my heart with you look at me and say "mama!" Its almost like you sigh it as you say it, like that one word contains all of your love and joy and happiness. Sometimes I get frustrated at the things you do, that you only do because you are little and learning and I realize through your love for me that I need to be a better, more patient teacher for you. Sometimes I am a little selfish and I want time to myself, you don't like to give it to me, and even when I hide you find me and cry for me, I can't stand to hear you cry so I always come to you and hold you and you snuggle into my shoulder, tuck your arms under you and pull your body in close to me and I realize that there is no room for selfishness in this life. That true happiness doesn't come from being alone or on my own but that true happiness comes from being a mom, to your and your brothers and a wife. You teach me things all the time. I hope that you never give up that selfless love. I hope that you are a million times better mom then me and that I am able to teach you something, but most of all I hope you never doubt that I love you and that you always know how much you mean to me. 
     Its hard to believe that you are even real my sweet little angel baby. You are my princess and I adore you. I love to hold you in my arms and to kiss your sweet head. I love to hear you say new words and to watch you take in and learn about the world around you. I have no doubt that you were sent here to save me and to change the world, one loving act at a time. You have so much love and happiness wrapped up in your little body that its almost impossible for anyone around you to not feel it raidiating off of you. You brighten a room just by being in it and your smile is contagious. You have united our family and have brought a lot of sparkle into our lives. You are the perfect daughter for me and I can only hope that I am the perfect mother for you. I love you so much my darling princess and I always will. I am so glad that I have you as my little twin and partner in crime and I am so glad that your brothers have such a sweet, kind and caring little sister. I see the change that you bring into their lives every day. You help remind them that love is always the most important emotion and that kindness can change people. You never let us be unhappy for too long before you come in and cheer us all up. You are everything this family needs to help keep us strong and loving. 
                                                                                                         I love you Wynnie,
                                                                                                              Mama

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