Friday, January 11, 2013

Consistency in an inconsistent world

I think one of the hardest things that I have come across so far in my life as a mom to a son with Aspergers is the need for order, but then having seemingly un-organization in his life.

I am sure there is a very simple order in his mind, one I have not myself figured out yet. But since I have not figure that all out yet it can cause its fair share of trials.

One day I will cut his sandwich into squares and the next day he wont eat it because he doesn't like it. It can take me awhile to figure out that he wanted triangles today, but he didn't know how to tell me.

He can want to only wear shorts when its cold and pants when its hot and then one day want the opposite, but not be able to tell me that.

One day he is fine with clothes and the next day he just wants to wear pajama's. 

Sometimes he is happy with the dinner I made, even to the point of telling me he loves it and the next week I can make the same dinner and he tells me he hates it.

He is so full of passion and love for others.
He feels so much pain when he does something that makes him feel any guilt at all.
He loves to be held and squeezed, until he doesn't want you to touch him.
He loves to dress up and pretend he is someone else, I think it helps him get a break from things for a bit.
Sometimes he talks in baby talk.
Sometimes he doesn't talk at all.
Sometimes he won't stop talking.
Sometimes he tells me he loves me so much.
Sometimes he tells me he hates me and I am stupid.

He is so smart.
He doesn't know his shapes and his colors.
He is so strong.
He is very clumsy.
He follows simple rules.
He can't understand half of what I say.
He loves people.
He doesn't like new people or being around people.
He loves going out.
He hates crowds.
He loves listening to soft sounds like bugs and water.
He hates the toilet flushing or the dishwasher going.

Trying to explain these things to other people, and sometimes even understand these things myself is so hard. 
He knows what he needs, but not how to explain it.
He knows what he wants but can't comprehend why.
I am his advocate. 
I have to explain to other people the differences that make him who he is.
I have to tell them how wonderful he is and how to find that wonderfulness.
I have to fight for him everyday. 
I have to explain to people that he does not have behavioral issues and that a good spanking and better discipline will not help him in the slightest little bit.
I have to explain to them that love, and support and teaching are what helps him.
He knows what he wants, we have to learn it.
We have to teach him how to fight into a world that he does not understand and that does not understand him. 
All he needs is for people to pay better attention and to try a little harder.

He is one of the most amazing and interesting little 4 year old's I know.
I have not figured him all out.
I am not sure I ever will.
I don't know why he is upset that I cut his sandwich a different way then I have the last 5 days. 
I am sure he knows, I am sure it has something to do with the way he woke up that day, or what the weather is like, or what show he watched that morning.
While I don't know why its cold today and he wants pants or pajama's when usually it is the opposite, he does. Its probably because he does that on days he watches wonder pants or wakes up cold or too early or on the left side of the bed.
I have no idea why.
It seems so inconsistent to me.
I know that in his mind it all works out. 
I know that in his mind its all very consistent, I just can't see the world the way he does.
While its all so very frustrating some days for me because I am trying so hard to be consistent, it probably all makes sense to him. 

Be consistent.
I hear that all the time.
I hear that from the teachers at school.
I hear that from the Behavioral therapist and the Occupational Therapist,
and all I can do is laugh.
I am painfully consistent and it doesn't always help and sometimes I think my biggest sense of inadequacy comes when I felt like I have done everything right and have put pain stacking effort into being consistent and something ends up not being right in his mind. 
Its hard because I don't want to cause him any unnecessary hardship and there I go doing just that.

I learn a little bit more each day and overtime I slowly start to realize that what seemed like consistency to me was only consistent on the surface. 
To my deep thinking, very in depth little boy who sees the world in much more open eyes then the rest of us the consistency is much more deep rooted. Every aspect is there, I just am not deep enough of a thinker to see it. But I am learning.
I am seeing the world through new eyes.
The eyes of a 4 year old boy who was given the gift of Aspergers.
A little boy, who see's God's great world as it should be seen.
A little boy who lays his life and heart on the line every single day.
A little boy who tests me, and tries me and makes me work so very hard every day.
A little boy who fights an immense battle every day, a battle that most of us can never and will never be able to comprehend or understand.

I am trying to find the consistency as he does.
I am trying to see the world as he does.
I am trying to understand things as his does.
He doesn't understand our simple American lingo of "Hang on a minute." Because how can one literally hang their body off of an amount of time? 
I am learning to speak in a different way.
I am learning to really analyze the world around me.
I am learning a deeper love for people.
 And I am learning not to judge people for anything, because you never know what hard battle they are fighting.
I am learning to see the world, piece by piece. 
I never realized that I did not see the whole world around me.
I have always considered myself to be a very observant person, but it wasn't until a 4 year old boy showed me the world as it was that my eyes were really opened.

So while its hard to be a mom to a little boy that sees the world so differently then you do, Its also so beautiful and wonderful and eye opening.

Some nights I go to bed with tear filled eyes full of joy at all the things that he and I both learned that day. And some nights I go to bed with tear filled eyes because I felt like the day was just a total loss and like I accomplished nothing.
I feel like our eyes did not see the same things.
I feel like we were both being consistent in our own way and that those ways did not combine well.
Each day is a beautifully challenging journey, one that I walk into with either open arms or terrified jittery knees.
I am still learning.

But I am not alone.
God has a plan.
A plan that I can not always see and a plan that does not always seem consistent.
God has so much consistency in a world that seems so inconsistent.
Autism and Braddoc have taught me that and have helped me understand what that truly means.

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