Thursday, August 09, 2012

My daughter

 I always wanted boys, lots of boys. When my husband and I got married I said I wanted around 5 or 6 boys and MAYBE (and that was a very big maybe) a girl.

My mom and I did not have a good relationship when I was a kid, in fact it was pretty bad. I often dreamed of the day when I was out of the house and on my own and away from her. My sister and I are not very close either. I was afraid for the longest time that if I had a daughter it would just be a bad relationship because all of the women relationships I had in my family were not good. I never had good examples of good strong female relationships. 

After our first two boys were born I wondered if I may like having a girl. I watched friends girls and loved it but was still on the fence about whether or not I wanted a girl. I always had this sinking feeling in my stomach when I thought about having a daughter. When I was pregnant with our third I thought about how I wanted a girl, but still couldn't shake that feeling of dread that was attached to the word daughter, so when we found out it was a boy I was a bit sad and a lot relieved. (handsome hubby was crushed, he really, really wanted a girl).

By the time baby #4 was on the way I WANTED a girl. I ached for a girl. Some where along the way the sinking feeling about not wanting a girl turned into a sinking feeling that I might NEVER have a girl. Every time I saw a little girl I wanted one. At first I didn't know if it was because I LOVED the clothes, the shoes, the toys, the hair stuff, or if it was because I really wanted a daughter. I soon realized that I always loved the girl stuff so it wasn't that, but it was the fact that I wanted a daughter. When ever I saw a little girl I would get teary eyed. My heart would catch in my throat and I was so overcome with emotion and longing that I would get sad because I wanted a girl and I didn't think I would ever have one. When I walked by the little girl toy isle in the store I would cry, YES cry, real tears, because I felt like I was missing out on sharing my childhood with a little girl. I wanted a little me. I watched my husband share ninja turtles, scooby doo, sports, pirates, movies, and toys from his childhood with our boys and I so desperately wanted to share my childhood loves with someone.

I was still terrified, because of the lack of female relationships I had in my family but I was also in desperate want of a baby girl. 

I set up the appointment to find out the gender of the baby for as early as I possibly could. I remember sitting in the office at exactly 14 weeks holding my husband hand and trying so hard to not get my hopes up. My mind drifted into a world of pink. I dreamed of cuddling my daughter and kissing her head. I tried to shake the dreams because if this was a boy I didn't want to not feel like I didn't love him or want him as much. It was hard to think that way, because to me this was my daughter.

This was our surprise baby. The baby was due in the winter, around Christmas (something I swore I would never do. Guess I went back on a lot of things I always thought I wanted.) All my boys were summer babies (I've always thought spring would be fun.) I was in denial about the pregnancy from the get go. I had INSANE migraines and went to the doctor about them.  I would be laying on the couch in major pain and then if I got up I thought I was going to throw up. I told the doctor everything and they ran some tests. I thought maybe I had a really, really bad case of the flu. When the doctor called to tell me that I didn't have the flu and that I was in fact pregnant I did not believe her. Every thing about this baby was different, so maybe this WAS my girl.

As I sat there holding my husbands hand  I couldn't help but get caught up in the want to have a little girl. When we went into the room and watched the baby on the monitor I was looking for something, anything that would show me if it was a boy or girl. I thought I saw some boy parts and looking at my husband sitting next to me to see if he saw anything (he didn't). I held his hand so tight and when the tech told me that she was 99% sure it was a girl, I squeezed his hand even harder and the tears started flowing, from both of us. It was a girl, a real girl. It was MY daughter, the one I never knew I wanted and the one I never knew I needed.

I started shopping immediately. I would walk down the toy isle at the store and get teary eyed, this time because of all I had ahead of me. I was still not sure myself that it was a girl, in fact it took 3 more ultrasounds for me to finally see the "3 lines" they tell you to look for on an ultrasound and then I believed it was a girl. I was still in some denial even up until she was born and the first thing I said was "Is it really a girl?"

The Christmas before she was born my oldest asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told him that I wanted a baby girl. He got me a baby Aurora doll for Christmas. When we came home for the ultrasound and told them we were having a baby girl they were all excited. They really wanted a sister and they even told me if it was a boy that we were sending him back. When she was born and Landon met her for the first time he said, " Mom last year you wanted a baby girl for Christmas and this year Heavenly Father and Santa brought you one."

I now have this amazing daughter, the one I never knew I wanted and now realize how much I needed. I never knew how amazing it would be to have her. I am overcome with so much love for her. I never knew I could feel this way. I love my boys, but my love for Aowyn is so much different. I love her for all she is and all she will some day be. I love the relationship we have already. I look at here and am so overwhelmed with how much she has changed me and our family dynamic. I love watching her brothers play with her. I love that she is our princess and I love that she is just downright amazing. She is by far the best baby we have ever had. She is so happy and so sweet. She rarely cries and is so full of personality. And she totally looks like a mini me. 

When I was pregnant I had lots of anxiety attacks about whether I was going to be a good mom to a daughter. Since I had such bad mother/daughter experiences I wasn't sure if I knew what good ones could be like. I remember crying on the phone to my mother in law and telling her my fears. She told me that Aowyn was saved for me and that she and I would be great friends. She told me that I would be a great mom to a daughter because I was nothing like my mother and because I was so passionate about being a good mom. There was no way I was going to fail this daughter that was going to be mine. 

I want to be an amazing mom to her. I want to be the mom to her that I never had. I want to teach her to be a woman. I want to teach her to be a wonderful mom someday. I want to teach her about her heritage as a daughter of a King. I want to teach her to serve and to love others. I want to teach her about the beauty of the world around her and teach her about how to find her prince charming someday and be married to him in the temple. I want to teach her patience and compassion. I want her to see the best in others and to be a positive influence on the people around her. 

I know that I have a huge task ahead of me. I know that raising a future mother is much different then raising future fathers. I know that both are very important jobs. I have the most sacred and a huge calling of all. I am a mother to three wonderful sons of a heavenly king and a truly amazing daughter of a king.

The lord knew that I needed Aowyn and that she needed me and he knew that one day I would figure it out and I am grateful for his timing and knowledge of who I am. He waited to send me one of his beautiful daughters until he knew my heart was ready for her. I am very ready to be the mother to her that she needs me to be. I love her very much and I love being her mother.

I am also grateful that I have a husband who is head over heels in love with his daughter too and that he knows how to treat me, her mother, so that she sees what a good example of a husband should be. He is a great example to her about what a good man should be. I have never seen him look more amazing then when he is with her. It is so attractive to see him bend over backwards for her and treat her with such love. She has him wrapped around her finger, (in a good way) and he loves her so much. He has changed so much since we had her and I love watching him with her. 

Aowyn has changed our family so much. I am grateful for the plan that my father has for me, even if I don't think it something I ever want, he knows who I really am and knows what I truly need.

1 comment:

Kellie said...

Aurie, I love this post. My daughters have changed me more than I ever thought possible. I have become such a different person than I was when I was just raising boys. It's crazy. It's a very good thing too. The realization that I was raising a future mother hit me really hard when we had our first daughter. Everything changed after that. Our second daughter changed me even more (in the same good direction). I never thought it was possible to change quickly! Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this.