Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Its just one of those crying days

So today has been one of those “oh poor pitiful me” kind of days.

I took Aowyn to the doctor for her 4 month check up. Before I left Noah and I were joking about how much weight we thought she had gained and I said “2 pounds, Im really hoping for 2 pounds.” Her last appointment she barely gained any weight and the doctor said if she continued on that path then we would have to do some intervention. I was actually excited for her appointment. I mean Im no scale but she looked bigger to me, she sure has grown intellectually and is far more advanced at 4 months then any of her brothers were, so I thought she was doing good and I was rooting for those two pounds.

You can only imagine how my heart dropped and my eyes welled up with tears when I layed her on the scale and it flash 8 15 !!!! WHAT???? No weight gain not even one ounce. How is that possible? How could she not have gained anything? She eats like a champ. She isn’t fussy. She is such a happy baby. When I pump I get at least 5 ounces. So how is it that she hasn’t gained anything?

There I stood in stunned silence, hoping that the numbers were not real, that she really had gained weight. I mean at least Tayton, tiny little acid reflux Tayton, gained a few ounces between appointments. How could she not have gained even one tiny little ounce? In fact all she gained was 1/10th of a kilogram. And honestly she had her teething necklace on this time that she didn’t have on last time, that thing probably weighs 1/10th of a kilogram.

For the next hour, her doctor, Dr Moss, oh how I love our doctor, the resident, and I all talked about the million and one reasons there could be for her not gaining weight. I have joked with my friends in the past who have super chunk babies that they make heavy cream breast milk and I make low fat, skim milk as my breast milk. And it turns out that pretty right on key. I told me lactation consultant that a few years ago and she laughed and said there is no such thing. Well, sorry to break it to you, lady who has never had any kids OR breastfed, it can happen and there is such a thing. Im living proof, want to test me? In the end they took 3 vials of blood and are running some tests and want me to supplement with formula.

At this point, the mention of the dreaded word, FORMULA, the tears started coming! I don’t want to formula feed. I want to breast feed, this beautiful wonderful gift has been taken from me with 2 of my first 3 kids and how you want to take it from me again? Who am I without this? That’s my mom super power, making milk and feeding my beautiful babies. There is a bond that is felt when breastfeeding that I just cant explain. I love to hold them in my arms stare into their eyes, feel there little hands squeezing me and pulling off long enough to smile at me when I tell them how much I love them. And now you want me to stop? Well in all fairness they just want me to do half and half, but with my milk Im not sure it will stay in if I just got half and half.

I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home and told Noah, I cried for what is being taken from me. Something that they don’t even know if it will work, something that may or may not help her. It makes me sad to have this taken from me. I want my daughter to grow and be healthy, I want to do whats best for her, but doing something that you “think” may work (now mind you it didn’t work with Tayton) and then hoping it does, is really hard for me, because I know how good breast milk is and I love the bond that is formed.

I cried when the doctor called and told me her liver enzymes came back high, but that everything else looks fine and that he wants to test her for celiac, and lactose allergies. I cried for all that she might lose depending on the results of those tests. I have celiac so I know how hard it can be to live with out it, I cried because I don’t want her to suffer in any way. The tears came so hard I couldn’t see, I just wanted to hold my sweet baby in her arms and look into her eyes and kiss her sweet face. I want to provide her with the one thing I know I can.

So many people in the world look at women who don’t breatfeed as bad moms, who don’t care about their kids or who don’t want to go the extra step and breatfeed, they don’t care about why. I got asked while sitting in the lab getting my beautiful princesses blood drawn, “why is she so small?” I could see the look on her face and my heart sank, I went through this with Tayton, people telling me I was a bad mom because he was tiny and I must not have been feeding him, or I was neglecting him. We went through a huge ordeal of having the police called because people thought we were negligent parents, people who didn’t even know us and who looked at us like we were monsters because our baby was so small. People who had no idea how many tears I shed, or how many nights I spent up with my tiny baby worrying that he might not make it through the night. I look at him now and see how strong he is and I know that Aowyn will be fine. I just mourn the loss of what is being taken from me and from her. I cried when I gave her a bottle today and she keep pulling off and nustling her face into my shirt right over my breast and would start sucking on my shirt.

So here I am having my little pity party for myself and my daughter and I think, “As much as this sucks and I just want to cry about it all day, at least she is alive, at least I am alive, at least all my kids are alive and we are doing well in most aspects of our life.” I sit down on the computer to post a “please pray for aowyn” post on facebook and as I sit there I find an article about a young family who just lost there mother to cancer. I find another story about a young mother who’s toddler and husband went out canoeing on her birthday and never came home, they found her tiny sons body but not her husband’s. I continue to read and find another story about a family battling cancer in their 4 year old. I have a friend who is in the hospital with her 6 year old daughter who has a absess on her kidney and has an IV hooked up to her poor little arm trying to get rid of the abssess. So yeah, this sucks, yes something is being taken from me, but there are much worse things happening all around me, so I let the tears flow freely, today, but tomorrow I need to put on my big girl panties, buck up, put on a happy face and realize “this too shall pass” and that I always have the lord on my side. Its all going to be okay. Mourn today Aurie, but tomorrow move on.

UPDATE: I got a call a couple of hours ago from the doctor who wants her only on formula for the next week. I have to go back in and get her weighed on friday. I was trying to bottle feed her at bed time and she just screamed and screamed and kept turning her head and nustling into my chest and trying to eat. I broke down and cried. I have breast milk, lots of it and here my sweet little girl is, wanting it and I cant give it to her. Its so emotionally painful. I was bad and would put her on to breastfeed for a few minutes to calm her down.

1 comment:

Laura said...

I will be praying for you and for sweet Aowyn! You are a wonderful mother, you know how to follow the Spirit, and that's all there is to it! Good luck, dear friend!